A butterfly lit on my shoulder at the Living Desert yesterday. The slightest brush of butterfly wings opens my heart to intricate beauty. There is also this feeling of being a chosen one. “You would choose me? You saw me and chose to say hello.”
It reminds me of the words of Hafiz: “The ear becomes alert when the music says ‘I’m over here.’ The eye goes on duty, becomes viable when beauty whistles and points to her dress on the ground.”
I love sitting here in the early morning with the feeling of the gentle beauty of the butterflies.
Today in meditation Gloria noticed that she was trying to impress imaginary people. She has an attachment to the desire to not be ordinary. It seemed like a real breakthrough of some kind, until she realized having a breakthrough made her feel pretty extraordinary.
Gloria knew she could fly – had always known. But she didn’t always think it was safe to fly. She had had a suspicion that if she flew she would not be able to come back to earth. Lately she noticed the earth’s hold on her had become stronger – not just the ground beneath her feet – but the trees, the birds, the landscape itself. It was no longer just a matter of gravity it was a matter of attraction. She and the earth are having a love affair. She began to trust that she could fly and the earth would celebrate. She would not fly alone; she would be part of the earth’s flight of life.
Gloria and Howard were building a fence with no corners. It was a fast and furious endeavor. She bending and hammering then he bending and hammering – over the hill – down through the valley all day long. Until one day, Gloria stopped and said: “Howard, you are on one side and I am on the other. If we keep going, we will never be together.” Howard picked up another board. Gloria threw down her hammer – it hit him on the toe. He noticed. Cautiously Gloria took down a board. Howard raised an eyebrow but did not flinch. Gloria took down another board and locked eyes with Howard. He did not flinch. Gloria softened her eyes with invitation and Howard flinched. They began dismantling the fence. Now they can be seen throwing boards in the air, raising dust in a wild race back to where they started.
Two years ago today Mother was letting go of her physical body and all her fears and struggles. At the moment when Gloria became an orphan – no Mother – no Father – she looked around to see who her family was – who was still standing – not yet taken down by age and time. She saw her brothers embrace, maybe for the first time. She saw her sister holding both worlds together, the seen and unseen. She saw her sister in law being the earth that binds. She saw herself moving from outside to inside. At her death, Mother united all her little children.
Gloria had friends who said: “Come out and play,” but she kept hearing her Mother say “you have work to do.” She let the voices ring in her ears until she realized her Mother’s voice was only an echo of a voice in the past. It wasn’t her Mother’s voice at all because her Mother had softened and let go of all “trying” two years ago. When Gloria listened deeper her Mother spoke through every fiber and muscle of Gloria’s body – wanting to laugh, embrace, cry for love of life – saying: “Time is very short – play, play, play.”
Flowers that drink after cutting- I notice some will take up water like they are connected to the source. The Cone Flower drinks its share each day and I must fill its vase in the mooring. It seems to be very happy in the vase – leaves perky and stem strong. It doesn’t even mind that it has been cut and taken from its Mother. It looks like its celebrating its new home. What do you have to tell me? Live gracefully and well. Drink water. Celebrate your beauty. No regrets.
Not just the sunrise – but every leaf – and every blade of grass and you. Nothing is as it was yesterday. Can you feel the freshness? Can you feel the world expanding in fullness?
My window just did the guillotine maneuver – slammed shut all by itself. It’s saying – you want newness – here you go – it can all change in an instant – here today gone tomorrow.
Gone will be the KFUC radio that is a constant drone of my failings and fears. I’ll turn the dial to a station that preaches love of peaches – that celebrates the world – the smell of it – the taste of it – the gritty beauty of it. One that plays music that connects to my feet – makes me dance and sing. Makes me open my mouth in joy to hear myself – to be alive. The JOY4U station.
I will surely smile more and have a glint in my eye that says: “I dare you to look at me – dare you to feel the love I have for you.” I will dress with color and panache even for my petunias. We will dance together and wink.
I will take the pack off my back – that pact of books that fills my head with ways I could be closer to God. They only tell me I’m not there yet and that is not true. The truth is God and I are inseparable.
I’ll eat for joy and communion. Let the food become part of me. Let it all be the Body of Christ.
Celebrate – that’s what I will do. Open my heart to joy – pick more flowers – eat peaches – love beyond measure.
Begin with the hair cut – maybe not a tonsure
But an outward sign of an inward change.
Go on to letting the rain pray me.
Listen with my whole body.
Strike some fear into my own heart with the thought of change.
Strike the match.
Llight the fire.
Let it burn until I cry.
Let my dried up sponge of a heart soak in light.
Then wring it out to drink gold.
Take a bath in that healing ooze of life.
Laugh with God.
Laugh with the absurdity and beauty and fleetingness of life.
Let the leaves of the trees rain down their nearly visible glitter of giggles.
Open my heart
Dance with life
Dance into life.
Wake up life guard – So watchful she keeps everyone out of the water.
Post the sign – “Live at your own Risk”
Then jump into the sea of life.
Let them drown if they must.